When we came home from the hospital after losing the baby, I clipped off Mary's in-patient wrist bracelets before putting her to bed for the night. Exhausted myself, I tossed them into my end table as I peeled off my clothes and crawled under the sheets. Ever since that night, those bracelts have stayed in my end table. It's not that I can't get rid of them, or that I'm keeping them as a memory of what we went through that night, it's just that the timing wasn't right.
This whole topic of Mary's wrist bracelets came about as I was running today. Typically, when I run, I let my mind wander to deeper issues. Sometimes I think about getting laid off and how awful that was. Other times, I muse over how I'm going to arrange my surround sound speakers to get the optimum performance out of them. However, as I rhythmicly breathed 1, 2, 3, 4, my thougts drifted to those bracelets. Why did I keep them in my end table? What good will come from having them? Aren't there better things to remember our first baby by, like her ultrasounds? I pondered these questions, trudging along in the afternoon heat, and slowly, like a runner slows as he approaches a busling intersection, the answers started coming.
For me, the bracelets represent an old way of thinking, one that is more simplistic and innocent. Even after the raw shearing of my reality that occured when I was released from employment in Pittsburgh, I still felt as though life would return to normal. More specifically, I believed that my expections of life would return to normal.
But, once the baby that was was no more, the darkness of sadness and grief fell heavily upon Mary and I like a wet, gray wool blanket, and something irrevokable changed in me. I didn't go crazy and start talking to apprations, nor did I lose all hope for the world; the change that occured within me revolved around my expectations of what life has in store. My belief that, by doing good, good would be done to me, fell to the ground slowly just as Mary's clipped braclets fell. My schema of the world around me shifted forever. And yet, I still wanted to hold onto something from before the time when the roof came crashing in.
Hence, the wirst bracelets. Although they are from a very dark and dreary time in my life, somehow, in some way, they represent the expectations I once held onto so dearly. And honestly, a small part of me may not be ready to give up on those out-of-print beliefs.
As I mulled these things over, the miles passed by quickly. Rounding the last bend to our apartment, I returned to the bracelets with two final questions: Should I get rid of them? And if so, when? My response was a simple one: Yes, but not yet. As time goes by, the wounds will heal and and the scabs will mysteriously disappear. Once all that is left are a few scars and some weighty opinions, I will most likely attempt to return to a more rosy schema of my life. When I am presented with that opportunity, I want to hold those bracelets as a father would hold his newborn daughter's hand, and says so soothingly and comfortingly, "It will be ok. Don't give up the good fight. Everything will be ok."
Will I believe myself? Perhaps. Will I act upon the hopeful reconciliation between what I want to beleive and what I have experienced? Most likely. And if I do reconsider my previous worldview, perphaps then, and only then, I can clip the bracelets around my heart, the ones that identify me as another patient in need of respite from the suffering experienced.
As I reach the door to our apartment complex, I realize that my run was now over, but the questions and thoughts revealed during that run will last well into the future. Not only are Mary's wrist bracelets in that end table, but maybe, if I look long and hard enough, I may find my own snipped bracelets alongside her's.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Deep Breaths
I'm not sure why life has been less than wonderful lately, but I have a few ideas.
My first idea revolves around the fact that I'm still soaking in the loss of our baby. As Mary can attest to, I handle stress in a very delayed way. While others may feel that rush of adreniline that will help them stay effective amid a very difficult situation, that ability to postpone the fear and irrationality only works so long. Usualy within thesame day, most people experience the realization of the negative consequences that occured/could have occured, and they work through that realization. As for me, the time that it takes me to process that realization can take days, and in this case, weeks. I never really broke down over the los of our baby and I'm not sure that I will, but I'm still going through the process of realizing that the life inside of Mary isn't going to make her feet ache or her stomach bulge because that life isn't there anymore. So, the fact that I'm still working through the loss of our baby is one idea why life hasn't bee so great recently.
Another idea why is that Mary and I are happy with where we are, but if we could be anywhere right now, it would be back in Pittsburgh. We had such a wonderful collection of friend and family there that it broke our hearts to have to leave them. On the bright side, we are quickly develping some new friends, and they are fantastic people. We're torn as a couple because we feel that our home is Pittsburgh, but we aren't going to head back that direction for many years. Perhaps the reason that I'm feeling less-than-stellar is because I'm working through the additional realization that I may not get to go "home" again. One day, I told Mary that I wished I had a little less responsibility and a little more freedom. Her reply was that it would be fantstic to have those things, but we both know that life doesn't work that way. I wonder how parents manage to remain mentally engaged while taking care of their kids and work, not to mention their faith, friends, family, hobbies, and such. So, this is another reason I'm seculating about.
My final idea regarding the way I'm feeling lately was brought to my attention by a great movie call, "The Hurt Locker". In this movie, an IED demonlition technician struggles with the realization that he doesn't enjoy many of the things he once did, and in fact, his only real job comes from deactivating deadly IEDs every day. Despite his extreme talent, that could be used back in the States, or his loving wife and child, the main actor's only real passion is to be 6 inches from enough C4 to create a 30-meter crater. How this relates to me is that I know that I've had to cut back on some of the things I used to enjoy, especially video games and electronics in general, because I have neither the time nor the finances to actively pursue these hobbies. In addition to these two categoires, I wonder what other areas I'll give up or lose interest in as I grow older. Photography? Computers? Animals? I always listed my family as a possible option, but I don't see that happening nor do I want to even contend with the idea that my love for my wife, or our families will disapate with time. However, what's my gurentte that I won't struggle with some of the same issues that the main character in The Hurt Locker did? My initial response is that I can combat these negative attitudes by actively seeking to save those acticitive and people that I cherrish.
Like I said, so many things to think about. Happily, one thing that keeps me postitive in this whole ordeal is that I'm looking forward to the day when I tell Mary, "Good job, Sweetie, keep pushing. Remember our lamaze classes: Deep Breaths!" Even though life can be tough at times, I hold the faith that Mary and I will one day soon be proud parents, but, just as Mary will need to use proper breathing techniques during the most difficult parts of the birthing process. I'm going to need to remember to do the same, in a metaphoric way, when I'm experience some of the hardes parts of my life, and having Mary by my side will make those parts much easier to bear. Just remember, Mike, deep breaths!"
My first idea revolves around the fact that I'm still soaking in the loss of our baby. As Mary can attest to, I handle stress in a very delayed way. While others may feel that rush of adreniline that will help them stay effective amid a very difficult situation, that ability to postpone the fear and irrationality only works so long. Usualy within thesame day, most people experience the realization of the negative consequences that occured/could have occured, and they work through that realization. As for me, the time that it takes me to process that realization can take days, and in this case, weeks. I never really broke down over the los of our baby and I'm not sure that I will, but I'm still going through the process of realizing that the life inside of Mary isn't going to make her feet ache or her stomach bulge because that life isn't there anymore. So, the fact that I'm still working through the loss of our baby is one idea why life hasn't bee so great recently.
Another idea why is that Mary and I are happy with where we are, but if we could be anywhere right now, it would be back in Pittsburgh. We had such a wonderful collection of friend and family there that it broke our hearts to have to leave them. On the bright side, we are quickly develping some new friends, and they are fantastic people. We're torn as a couple because we feel that our home is Pittsburgh, but we aren't going to head back that direction for many years. Perhaps the reason that I'm feeling less-than-stellar is because I'm working through the additional realization that I may not get to go "home" again. One day, I told Mary that I wished I had a little less responsibility and a little more freedom. Her reply was that it would be fantstic to have those things, but we both know that life doesn't work that way. I wonder how parents manage to remain mentally engaged while taking care of their kids and work, not to mention their faith, friends, family, hobbies, and such. So, this is another reason I'm seculating about.
My final idea regarding the way I'm feeling lately was brought to my attention by a great movie call, "The Hurt Locker". In this movie, an IED demonlition technician struggles with the realization that he doesn't enjoy many of the things he once did, and in fact, his only real job comes from deactivating deadly IEDs every day. Despite his extreme talent, that could be used back in the States, or his loving wife and child, the main actor's only real passion is to be 6 inches from enough C4 to create a 30-meter crater. How this relates to me is that I know that I've had to cut back on some of the things I used to enjoy, especially video games and electronics in general, because I have neither the time nor the finances to actively pursue these hobbies. In addition to these two categoires, I wonder what other areas I'll give up or lose interest in as I grow older. Photography? Computers? Animals? I always listed my family as a possible option, but I don't see that happening nor do I want to even contend with the idea that my love for my wife, or our families will disapate with time. However, what's my gurentte that I won't struggle with some of the same issues that the main character in The Hurt Locker did? My initial response is that I can combat these negative attitudes by actively seeking to save those acticitive and people that I cherrish.
Like I said, so many things to think about. Happily, one thing that keeps me postitive in this whole ordeal is that I'm looking forward to the day when I tell Mary, "Good job, Sweetie, keep pushing. Remember our lamaze classes: Deep Breaths!" Even though life can be tough at times, I hold the faith that Mary and I will one day soon be proud parents, but, just as Mary will need to use proper breathing techniques during the most difficult parts of the birthing process. I'm going to need to remember to do the same, in a metaphoric way, when I'm experience some of the hardes parts of my life, and having Mary by my side will make those parts much easier to bear. Just remember, Mike, deep breaths!"
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Looking Up
Well, after a too-exciting few months, life seems to be returning back to normal. And thankfully, normal means periods of excitement followed by much needed breaks. Mary went away this weekend to a ladies retreat, so I had the opportunity to some quality time with the cats and me. I bummed around the house, ate horribly (and loved every minute of it), and fixed/installed as many things as I could without getting the cops called on me for a noise violation. Like I said, noting super exciting, but it's been such a long time since Life has been "mellow" that I couldn't have asked for a better weekend (sans Mary's absence) than what I experienced over the last few days. Good times. I'll write about more deep subjects soon, but I just wanted to share that life is starting to look better each day, and I am very happy about that forecast.
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