Deep Breaths

I'm not sure why life has been less than wonderful lately, but I have a few ideas.

My first idea revolves around the fact that I'm still soaking in the loss of our baby. As Mary can attest to, I handle stress in a very delayed way. While others may feel that rush of adreniline that will help them stay effective amid a very difficult situation, that ability to postpone the fear and irrationality only works so long. Usualy within thesame day, most people experience the realization of the negative consequences that occured/could have occured, and they work through that realization. As for me, the time that it takes me to process that realization can take days, and in this case, weeks. I never really broke down over the los of our baby and I'm not sure that I will, but I'm still going through the process of realizing that the life inside of Mary isn't going to make her feet ache or her stomach bulge because that life isn't there anymore. So, the fact that I'm still working through the loss of our baby is one idea why life hasn't bee so great recently.

Another idea why is that Mary and I are happy with where we are, but if we could be anywhere right now, it would be back in Pittsburgh. We had such a wonderful collection of friend and family there that it broke our hearts to have to leave them. On the bright side, we are quickly develping some new friends, and they are fantastic people. We're torn as a couple because we feel that our home is Pittsburgh, but we aren't going to head back that direction for many years. Perhaps the reason that I'm feeling less-than-stellar is because I'm working through the additional realization that I may not get to go "home" again. One day, I told Mary that I wished I had a little less responsibility and a little more freedom. Her reply was that it would be fantstic to have those things, but we both know that life doesn't work that way. I wonder how parents manage to remain mentally engaged while taking care of their kids and work, not to mention their faith, friends, family, hobbies, and such. So, this is another reason I'm seculating about.

My final idea regarding the way I'm feeling lately was brought to my attention by a great movie call, "The Hurt Locker". In this movie, an IED demonlition technician struggles with the realization that he doesn't enjoy many of the things he once did, and in fact, his only real job comes from deactivating deadly IEDs every day. Despite his extreme talent, that could be used back in the States, or his loving wife and child, the main actor's only real passion is to be 6 inches from enough C4 to create a 30-meter crater. How this relates to me is that I know that I've had to cut back on some of the things I used to enjoy, especially video games and electronics in general, because I have neither the time nor the finances to actively pursue these hobbies. In addition to these two categoires, I wonder what other areas I'll give up or lose interest in as I grow older. Photography? Computers? Animals? I always listed my family as a possible option, but I don't see that happening nor do I want to even contend with the idea that my love for my wife, or our families will disapate with time. However, what's my gurentte that I won't struggle with some of the same issues that the main character in The Hurt Locker did? My initial response is that I can combat these negative attitudes by actively seeking to save those acticitive and people that I cherrish.

Like I said, so many things to think about. Happily, one thing that keeps me postitive in this whole ordeal is that I'm looking forward to the day when I tell Mary, "Good job, Sweetie, keep pushing. Remember our lamaze classes: Deep Breaths!" Even though life can be tough at times, I hold the faith that Mary and I will one day soon be proud parents, but, just as Mary will need to use proper breathing techniques during the most difficult parts of the birthing process. I'm going to need to remember to do the same, in a metaphoric way, when I'm experience some of the hardes parts of my life, and having Mary by my side will make those parts much easier to bear. Just remember, Mike, deep breaths!"